10:56 AM Monday, January 29, 2007

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... last January 15, I topped the scales at 141 lbs. Ugh. I'm just thanking my genes that, even though i'm now a really lumpy, cellulite-mess, I still somehow have curves in the right places (this, despite losing a waist to speak of).

I am now on a half-cup of rice once a day diet... and try to consume as much as I can of bananas and soups and meats for meals. I don't really want to go on a super conservative diet, believing that eating healthily will get me there anyway. And I am in no hurry, thus, the lack of desire to crash diet. I feel that's what's going to work best for me anyway... i'd be content with just losing 2 lbs a month as long as it's a steady reduction of weight.

I have also returned to the gym... but that is being disrupted by my trips to the OB for my fertility work-up... and just recently, a death in the family I married into. But still, steady is what will do it...

Oh, I won't be a hypocrite. I still enjoy the occasional white chocolate and ice cream... but all in reduced quantities and frequencies. And I intend to reduce the quantity and frequency even more (though that would be hard since my husband was able to do the impossible recently... find me DOVE WHITE CHOCOLATES!!!)

Good luck to me.

Apart from wanting to be healthier... I really need to be sexy again :D

pray she's wrong...

11:16 AM Friday, January 26, 2007

... but if she knows, in her heart, that it's true... what more can I really do, for her, for him, for us?

and how... what... does one do in betrayals such as this one?

how do i protect her faith in love, in people, in men?

morbid fascination

12:57 PM Monday, January 22, 2007

I know i've at least said this twice here... i've always had a morbid fascination about death.

It actually kills me to control myself from asking about the little details of a demise, from what caused it to last words spoken (so yeah, only the closest to me would actually know about this weird interest).

I am fascinated by how one contemplates his mortality, and deathbed scenes, and motivations to the making of a will, and the superstitions and traditions surrounding a death, a wake, a burial.

I am fascinated by cemeteries and tombs and epitaphs and people making a living from the dead (from the hotel-inspired lobbies of high-end funeral homes to grave robbers and cemetery squatters).

That is not to say I don't find all these things creepy... or that i'm not scared of ghosts and what-nots. But always, there is that fascination.

And no, I actually don't collect any freaky stuff... however, I have always wanted to take pictures of epitaphs and tombstones... believing that one can learn a great deal from them...

... like basically realizing that life IS temporary... and that somewhere, somehow, people have died... who had the same name as yours, or on your birthday, or who didn't live long enough, or who lived too long it seemed...

... like how some families, or cultures, either treat their dead with so much respect... or just want to make up for the lack of love for the person who died while he was still alive... and thus build mausoleums that could probably finance the education of twenty aspiring doctors.

Visiting my nephew's resting place yesterday... we couldn't help but engage in wondering about the other people lying around him... pointing to niches which most probably housed babies like Pyro himself... wondering what the engraving before the birthdate is (is it a cloud, a pearl oyster, a fetus?)... amused that some family included their family's business name (we're assuming) on the epitaph...

I told my husband about that picture idea... and he said I could maybe publish it in book-form. But then we wondered if we'd have to seek permission first from the families.

For the meantime, here are other photos of funny epitaphs.


Oh, and I just find masonic cemeteries truly fascinating!


What's more fascinating? The option for stand-up burial.


A friend recently lost his father (age 58) to heart attack. Since their family hails from Benguet and their clan actually owns three mountains, his father got his wish and was buried at the side of one of the mountains... with an epitaph reading:

"After this, what more can I want?"


Me, I want to be cremated though.

if God really exists...

9:53 AM Monday, January 15, 2007

what would you want Him to say to you when you first arrive in heaven?

my answer would be... Mec, it's alright, you CAN let go now...


Got that question from "Inside the Actors' Studio" host James Lipton (?).


What would your answer be?


4:02 PM Friday, January 12, 2007

I wonder whose number this is.

At least 27-3528 supposedly belongs to a Dexter. :)


I was looking for inspirational quotes and happened to open a 'dedication notebook' I had back in 3rd year HS. Notice that Dexter's phone number is still only 6 digits. That was some thirteen or fourteen years ago, more than a decade away from sexual conquests and serious heartbreaks and career stagnation and marriage and real loss.

My old books and notebooks will always have doodles in them... heart shapes and the hurriedly written quote heard from a radio or teacher or song that struck a nerve. Occasionally they would have these numbers (even beeper numbers) and names of people (mostly guys, of course) I don't even recall ever talking with... were we phone pals? (I never really dated so am sure I didn't date them... and they could be friends' crushes who they wanted me to soften up for them)

Heck, even diary entries would show me raving or ranting over someone I cannot remember anymore.

Time passes. Life goes on. Memories fade. Experiences get obscured.

And you find yourself with a lot of junk that, if you're lucky, documented somehow that for a certain moment in the distant past, you were alive...

you lived, you loved, you were in love, you were a raging lunatic of a teenager

And you smile and wonder, briefly, about that person you can no longer remember...

Or spend an entire morning or afternoon, reminiscing about the people you DO remember... the greatest crushes of your young, hormonal life... including all those times that you actually kissed an autograph book because your crush signed it... even the acronyms JAPAN and FRANCE stop being corny for awhile...

And then you silently wonder if, somewhere, some guy had also written your name and number down... and was wondering about you.


I also do not know who Michael is, but his number was 827-4516.

five secrets

8:25 AM Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Since I have failed my friends who've tagged me for the past two years, allow me to start the year right by taking on this meme from a HotMomma friend.


After several minutes though... I still don't know what to write. I've generally been vocal about most things, always expressive and outspoken to the point of annoying and opinionated.


1) I can't believe that some people who supposedly love to read can't appreciate the genius that went into Harry Potter. Seriously.

2) I tried getting devirginized when I was only in high school. But then bf, who was 5 years my senior, wasn't exactly skilled... and my fear of getting pregnant out of wedlock too extreme so it didn't happen till years later... in college :D

3) I haven't slept with any man that I haven't had a pregnancy scare with. And that eventhough i've made it a habit to be responsible. Late periods would just really make me go crazy... and i'd end up contemplating if I just landed myself in the 2% range where condoms or pills didn't work... Pretty ironic that i'd be having problems getting preggy pala.

4) I still fantasize about other men. And some women.

5) I still eat powdered milk.


And as a new year treat, am not tagging anybody else :D

new hopes and dreams

1:04 AM Thursday, January 04, 2007

I really do not want to dwell on it more than necessary, but I can't not acknowledge that I have these thoughts and fears, no matter how irrational they may be.

Py's passing led me feeling TWICE DENIED of motherhood, since I still haven't gotten preggy yet (and believe me, the questions are really starting to annoy big time!), and I lost a beloved nephew who I love as my own child.

And there are these silent fears... where before I secretly wondered whether I was unconsciously willing myself not to get pregnant because I was scared of what Py's parents were going through with him, or didn't want to be so happy and blessed when Py needed so much from us still... now, i'm wondering if I might unconsciously not want to get pregnant because the family is still grieving, and my child might not be as welcome, or they might look for Py in my child. And of course, every other child will fall short... when compared to a dead, but deeply loved, one.

I know, I know... not everything is about me. :)


I really hope to get pregnant this year. I am even seriously contemplating leaving work, thinking that maybe I am severely stressed by working in a job I no longer like, and doing something I don't feel passion for.

I'd really love to switch careers, but again, there's that silent wondering if the stress of a new job might not make reproduction harder.

I tell myself that people who are on drugs and in prison get preggy all the time... but this isn't about them. This is about me and my desire to build a family... not out of envy, not because i'm pressured by society, not because I want to please my husband, nor feel like 100% of a woman...

Heck, we're not even exactly that rich and my marriage still needs a lot of working on. But we've both always wanted to have kids and feel we're ready to step up. Come to think of it, there isn't any sane, logical reason to have a child either. Hehe.

So have I stressed enough how much I want to get preggy this year? :)

Of course, I also hope to do some more travelling. I wouldn't mind returning to Palawan. And I will join my hubs at his company outing to Boracay.

I am also praying that I can finally shelve my insecurities and give book writing a go. There are two particular requests/demands, which I secretly believe I can actually deliver once I gather the confidence and will to do so.

There is also that matter of losing weight. I am not yet obese, but I am wide. And if am willing myself to be a mother, I owe it to my future child/ren to be fit and healthy. It's just plain irresponsible to court disaster health-wise when you plan on having kids. They, after all, deserve the best... and that includes some level of assurance that i'd be around to actually enjoy them, nurture them, love them, and then let them go.

Hopefully, hubs will feel and do the same.

I also hope to be more kikay, so I would look more appealing and fresh and interesting... I have got to protect what little sex appeal I have got going, not because I want to play mistress to married men, so my self-esteem won't suffer in the long run...

Yes, healthy male attention is good. And liking what you see in front of the mirror is best (by more kikay, I meant, i'd indulge in more salon trips and what-nots, not become a teenage girl clone with loud nail polish and etc.).

And generally, I want to be a more loving MEc... always gently present where I should be.

I hope I dance better... this year.