help, am an addict

12:19 PM Monday, February 28, 2005

Last week saw me consume 800 gms of white chocolates and 200 gms of walnuts. In just 4 days. Actually, make that 4 different sittings. Usually at night. And with already great self-control.

And I want more.

I'm going broke.

I'm going crazy.

All I think about is eating these two. All I want to be is half-lying on my bed, reading magazines while eating them with both hands.

I've already mastered the art of holding a walnut in a finger, and holding a WC in the other, and still being able to turn the pages of a book, without spoiling the book or mag.

My heart beats faster with the knowledge that i'd be in a mall... because then, i'd know that Tobi's House of Nuts is just around the corner... and Watson's or the grocery would have the Swiss Delice 400-gm block that I love (actually, i love Cadbury Dream better but it's already P160.00 at only 240 gms).

I almost cried when I mustered every self-discipline I have not to buy them last Saturday, esply since i've just withdawn money from the ATM.

I am so restless. And purposeless.

I'm looking forward to nothing else except the chance when i'd get to buy them and enjoy them again. (chances are, that would be tomorrow)

I honestly quiver with anticipation... and licking at the chocolate the first time (for that night) would send shivers of delight up and down my spine, making my skin tingle, making me sigh and moan with pleasure, making me feel horny and sated at the same time...


Send WC and walnuts my way.



Commercial... announcing my Blogkada.

on marriage

4:06 PM Wednesday, February 23, 2005

When asked, married people can never really give sane, logical reasons for getting married, aside from a certain degree of tax reprieve. Or money, if you’re that mercenary and insecure.


A lot of people know enough that love fades and is sometimes lost. Of course, I can always argue the matter of will and choices etc. but that would be beside the point.

Having someone to grow old with?
Having someone to raise children with?
Being assured of everyday sex?

Every reason can be subject to debate. And yet, people marry anyway. Some couples do grow up together in love, happy that someone was a witness to their life, and privileged for being the witness to someone else’s. Some couples start out roughly but their unions prevail anyway. Some unions last even when the passion is gone, and none are the worse for it.

Some, on the other hand, start and end with just promises and dreams.

Some marriages have already ended before it even began. Some marriages last for decades only to end after the kids have grown up.

Separations and betrayal have become the “norm”. Sometimes, I even feel that it’s more supported and upheld by the society, than marriage. There is nothing wrong in empowering women to say, leave abusive husbands and lead decent, fear-free lives. But I sometimes can’t help but get the feeling that everybody is just being empowered to walk away when the marriage is no longer a ‘happy’ one… when it’s no longer convenient, stimulating, etc.

Growing up, I’ve always been scared that my parents would separate… they didn’t know the value of reassuring their kids in times when they’re quarrelling. And I’ve always vowed to forever hate them if they make me a ‘victim’ of a broken family. And I’ve always been grateful that despite their ups and downs, their marriage is still a work in progress.

Are they happy? Sometimes.

But I know they love each other and love us, their kids.

And like what I’ve posted here before… they’re due to migrate to the US this March. And I’ve been getting scared that they might not be around to:

~ help in my wedding plans
~ give me away on my wedding day
~ be around when am pregnant with my first child
~ be there with my husband to hold my hand when am giving birth for the first time, or every time
~ be there while my kids grow up

Of course, mortality may claim one or both of them anytime soon. But those things I mentioned, I’ve always wanted to experience. What can I say, am big on families. And thinking of the possibility that they may not be around fills me with sadness and anger sometimes… feeling that they owe me that...

And then, I get reminded today that I would rather have my parents miss my wedding day… than have them there knowing that they’re separated. I’d rather have them together in the US than have them bickering over me while I’m still dopey from the birthing drugs.

I’d rather have them sleeping together every night… or maybe apart, safe in the knowledge that love has seen them through really tough times.

I’d rather have them go through bad times together, and still find love… rather than have good times apart.


Please, pray for my friend, whose parents are on the verge of breaking up.

9:03 AM Monday, February 21, 2005

I would just like to share this poem of sorts that someone sent me... which heralded the happy weekend I had... (and yes, i didn't have enough time to dwell if he really wanted my nude pics or not)

may i take this time
to share with you this rhyme
for the purpose of leaving you flattered
and of forgetting this week that left us battered

and of course to make you see
that i desire nude photos of thee
(hopefully, with a glee,
you'd be mailing them to me)

though your thoughts i can never read
do know that if there's anything you need
there are always people around you
who loves and cares for you even more than i do
go find them if you must
(by the way, i love your bust)


A quick word though...

Blogs are basically or usually online journals, yes.

We post personal thoughts and experiences. That is partly why we are expected to state our sources or link properly if the thoughts aren't ours. That is also why we expect the same courtesy from others, when one or a few of what we posted will be used in other blogs.

But our blogs are not our totality. We choose what we post. Sometimes, we just post things for kicks.

And just because you read someone's blog all the time shouldn't mean you'd already think you know that person enough to overstep certain boundaries. That person will only take really personal comments from you if: 1) the friendship is mutual (as facilitated by meetings, phone conversations, e-mails, etc), 2) the comment was respectfully made and properly worded.

Please guys... observe proper courtesy.

(this, in reaction to some recent comments made in Batjay's blog)


Oh happiness... everyone, please congratulate my blogfriend as she and hubby join the ranks of insecure, filled-with-worry-and-hope, loving, crazy people out there who we usually refer to as parents...

And prayers too, for those with ailing loved ones... and friends who have just undergone surgery or check-ups... like Ting.

commercial - TAG

9:38 AM Friday, February 18, 2005

Tadeu to si Ergoe eh... I automatically delete chain e-mails and texts nga eh... We're really not friends talaga, I don't like this sh!T :D

But since i love you and your softness... fine!!!!

Random 10 Songs:

Special Memory - The Company
Ice, Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice
That's the Way It is - Celine Dion
Photograph - Ariel Rivera
I Only Want to be with you - Vonda Shepard
Never Say Goodbye - Nonoy ba or Basil?
You changed My Life (in a moment) - The Company
I hope you Dance - forgot the artist
If Ever You're In My Arms Again - Peabo Bryson (?)
Huling El Bimbo - Eraserheads

What is the total amount of music files on your computer?

I believe, around 500 MP3s... those I haven't saved in my PC are still in their CDs

The last CD you bought?

err... I think, a Sexbomb CD last December, the one I sent to my aunt in the US :D

Five songs you listen to a lot or mean a lot to you:

Special Memory - The Company
That's the Way It is - Celine Dion
I Only Want to be with you - Vonda Shepard
You changed My Life (in a moment) - The Company
The Reason - Hoobastank

Who are you going to pass this stick to?
(1) Donna - because she's in love and might be mushy, sappy, senti and all kinds of romantic
(2) Jet - because she's sad and far away from her hubs, and might never even get to see I tagged her
(3) Margret - because I miss her


My sister just related this story to me last night...

Last Ash Wednesday, she of course went home with the proverbial cross stain on her forehead. And of course, when Pyro is about, she goes to hug and play with Py first... like everybody else.

She was asking for kisses and sniffing his baby smell... when Pyro kept tugging at her hanky while whimpering.

Without a thought, she handed her hanky to Pyro...

Pyro then proceeded to wipe her forehead.

shucks... naiiyak ako, he's fast growing up...


Nice site I learned about from Watson and Fionski.

we just are

4:08 PM Thursday, February 17, 2005

It's been said that, tragedies and misfortunes for example, seem so inexplicably random and warrantless because all of us have choices... and all these choices converge into forces sometimes all too powerful... with some consequences all too gruesome... or sad.

I've always philosophically believed that destiny is itself a product of such a force... of all the choices we make. Ergo, we really do make our own destinies.

I've also always believed that half of what we have, what we are, what we become... is a direct product of our own choices... while the other half of our life is dictated or reactionary to the choices of other people... sort of a ripple effect that cannot help but touch us because we're all droplets of the same sea.

And so, we're allowed choices. In everything. Unless maybe if we're a citizen of a Communist country... or a child in a Moslem family... or were born in a very poor family... or in a country that's at war.

Or comatose somewhere.

Or dead.

And so, we can choose what to wear, where to go, who to date.

We can choose to be conservative, liberal, adventurous with our bodies.

We can choose to court death in every way imaginable: through adventurous sports, riding planes, riding bikes on freeways, riding ships, smoking, doing drugs, overeating, binge drinking, drunk driving, going out of the house, eating spoiled food... even walking under ladders if you're really superstitious.

We can choose whom to marry, and also end that marriage.

We can even choose to end our lives, and how our lives are going to end.

There are only a few things actually where we're entirely choice-less.

Like being born... or rather, being allowed to live.

And who will really love us.

And of course, the inevitability of our mortality.

One other thing, I think, that we really don't have a choice with is... our sex.

We're either born male or female... we grow up either man or woman.

But a man cannot just say, "Oh, now I choose to be a woman"

I cannot say that I don't have a problem with homosexuals, meaning, I think i'd still be brokenhearted if any of my siblings turned out to be one, or if I someday raise one.

I also cannot say that I reject them, because I have really great homosexual friends and I don't see them as homosexuals per se. I see them as my friend, who just happen to be homosexual. I enjoy their company, and applaud their creativity. I even really adore Paul, not really because of his sexual orientation, but because he's witty, confident and happy. A little OC too, yes, but he is living a full life.

But yes, I think I would always have a problem with cosmetic surgery... unless it's actually corrective (like, if you had a cleft palate that needed fixing, or you were a burn victim, or if you got so beaten up, your face was rearranged horribly). I'm sorry but i'd always find it offensive and violating.

And yes, am no beauty, and I have a very large nose and a large tummy and wide hips. I'm average-looking and imperfect as can be. But my body is a wonderland and I haven't had problems having people actually think of me as beautiful. I chalk that up to the fact that I love myself and am comfortable in my own skin.

But I digress.

Yes, I also have a problem with sex change. And no, it's not because of the Vatican's say on the matter. Sex change is just something I consider unnatural. It's just way too much tampering with your body.

Last night, while watching the interview of this man who had an operation in Thailand, who was griping because he hasn't been granted the authority to refer to herself as a she, I was bothered to hear him say..."I just really want to put the past behind me. I've chosen to be a woman now."

I'm sorry, but you can't choose to be a woman. Just because you feel like a woman doesn't automatically make you one. Just because you're sensitive, verbally-expressive, emotional, into flowers and make-up, or is sexually attracted to men... doesn't automatically make you a woman. Even if you counter that you were raised as one, doesn't make you one.

Women are limited and empowered not by their choices alone, but also by their inherent biological characteristics. Taking pills and suffering from breast tenderness doesn't automatically equate to pre-menstrual syndrome. Taking hormones to make you develop hips, lose body hair, etc. will never make you a woman. Even if, heaven forbid, man finds a way to give men uterus will never mean that a man was made into a woman.

A woman is a woman without even trying. A woman is a woman from the minute of conception, to her babyhood years, to her prepubescent years, to her adulthood and menopause and death. Her concerns will always be a little different and specifc... her needs and wants moreso. She will always be regarded a certain way, command respect a certain way, do things a certain way, love and be passionate a certain way. She will always communicate and fight and cope and protect a certain way. Her issues only become men's issues because it affects them... but her issues are hers alone to deal with. Just because a man is able to assist the birthing process of a woman should never give him the arrogance to say that he knows how it is to actually give birth.

I repeat, if you're a man, you cannot just say that you choose to be a woman and that's it. Neither should a woman ever hope otherwise.

And if you're a transsexual... getting 'checked' and 'frisked' at airports is just one of the consequences you have to put up with for having undergone sex change operation. Otherwise, security people may be inadvertently letting terrorists or other criminals in and out of their institutions/countries. (Of course, frisking should always have the element of respect to somebody's person.)

Maybe, you guys should hand in documents explaining everything. And maybe you can lobby for an international SOP on how to handle your case. But not because you're 'already women'... but because you've made choices that complicated your lives.

Because, I repeat, being a woman is not a choice. You just are or not.

atrocious valentines

9:48 AM Tuesday, February 15, 2005

I was already dismissing my students to attend to their Valentine activities at 9 PM last night. It was only then that I checked my phone and found out that there have been bombings.

JRA was the one who informed me, telling me that it was a little dangerous outside.

For a moment, I wanted to just detain my students, not knowing what's really going on out there.

I warned them to be alert and to take care...

Then JRA calls to tell me that there were also bombings in Gen San and Davao.

Later, I was to find out that the Abus are claiming responsibility for the attacks, "as their Valentine gift to PGMA".

And you wonder what state of mind they're in to have forgotten that:
1) It wasn't PGMA they harmed or killed
2) They did more harm to the economy and just assured that development projects in Mindanao will suffer due to a probable decrease in subsidies
3) They killed and involved innocent people

JRA's Mom kept trying to contact him until she was assured that her son was safe. Who knows how many other parents did the same.

I reported to my parents and sought my sister and cousin to tell them to go home immediately (and postpone their paglandi with their boyfriends some other time).

I don't think such atrocities will ever justify whatever the Abus supposedly stand for...

They'd always be wrong and unfair and inhuman...

They give Moslems a bad name.


Let us all pray for those who lost loved ones from the attacks.


Sir MK, thank you for sponsoring my much-enjoyed dinner at Harbor View (Fresh Oysters, California Maki, Shrimp Bicol Express, Chef's Salad and 2 scoops of Mint Choco Chips)


City Mayor Atienza sponsored a Valentine Ballroom Dancing for Senior Citizens at Sta. Cruz (that plaza in front of Plaza Fair).

Watching senior citizens gracefully dancing brought me some sadness for my generation, for not having mastered the art of dancing gracefully such classic dances (except if you've trained with a DI or something)...

I guess it's one thing that older generations can really be proud of... that they mastered the art of dancing and taken those steps to heart. You only have to attend parties to have an idea how... those 50-year olds and above... must have partied all those years ago...

When their chins and skins weren't sagging yet... and many years away from cancer and strokes and ungrateful children...

h a p p i n e s s

4:19 PM Friday, February 11, 2005

I didn't really like this one, but it still encapsulates in its packaging what White Chocolate (WC) has become for me... happiness...

It's what cheers me up after a fight.

What I turn to for comfort and in restlessness.

What I love eating as I read books and magazines.

What warms me on cold days and rainy nights in bed.

What entices me to get better when am sick.

What caps a very wonderful day.

What replaces my sexual needs.

What triggers my sensuality and playfulness.

What makes me easily forgive people.

What makes me feel more loved.

What i'm really passionate about.

What I hope to never live without.


And for the real intuitive out there who managed to guess that i've reformatted my PC and re-installed my cam (after finding my batteries), do know that am happier than a lark in heat right now...

Exhausted after my college reunion

life went on...

11:18 AM Monday, February 07, 2005

Friday night, I met up with college friends. It was great seeing Fel again, and we finally got to see Jerry with his noselift, and Allee has also gained weight. BHing couldn't make it because her son was sick.

WE couldn't decide where to eat so we ate at Mangan. I was shocked to see Allee eating 2 cups of rice... I happily informed them that I now eat vegetables, and fondly reminisced about all the times Fel used to finish my veggies for me... to which she informed us all that she now doesn't eat veggies herself.

I also only found out that Allee was allergic to shrimps, in reaction to Jerry ordering OKOY...

I wondered aloud how come I never knew of her allergy to shrimps, to which she replied that we didn't have enough money for seafood back then anyway. True enough, we filled our days with instant pancit canton... and nothing else.

I also didn't realize, until Allee pointed it out, that I seldom gave clear answers to what's nice-smelling (when we're testing colognes and perfumes) or what looks good (when we're trying outfits) before. Allee insisted it was like pulling teeth... that I never raved about anything.

We talked about our families, how Allee is an aunt to 3 wonderful kids, and how their youngest will never walk, and how she and Jay has moved their wedding date to 21 December. Jerry regaled us about his knowledge of gown fabrics and designs and also updated us about his past boyfriends, one of which we once met (Dante ended up working in White Bird before moving in with err... the son of a famous politician), how he collects Buddhas now and intends to move back here in Manila. Fel's live-in partner is back in Dubai, and thank heavens, she's finally gotten her son baptized.

It was great gossiping about old friends, old classmates, old teachers. It was great catching up on each other. The last time we gathered was on Bhing's birthday, July 2000... Bhing was also absent that time. Now we're looking forward to meeting up again for Jerry's March birthday...

The gang decided to go to Baywalk... and they decided to walk to Rajah Sulayman park (that fountain area in front of Malate Church). I kept cursing at them because I was wearing heels and they were all wearing flats. But we had a blast going there, while I take silly pictures of us. Too bad I can't upload the pics right now...

To cap the evening, we all went to Buendia Jam Station to see Jerry board his bus, back to Sta. Cruz, Laguna. As we were saying our goodbyes and exchanging besos, Jerry mistakenly kisses a girl who was standing by the sidewalk next to us, thinking it was Allee. Of course, he aplogized and assured the girl that they're both women anyway... and we all were doubled up in laughter.


Saturday night, after a Blue Bay Eat-all-you-can dinner for JRA's sister, he accompanied me to Makati Republik for my high school batch reunion. It was something which we should have had last year to celebrate our 10th Anniv but organizers only rallied together late last year.

It was sad, i couldn't contact my bestfriend Lota. None of my high school gang were there... although of course, past seatmates and buddies were present. It would have been nice to have Lota there with me... as we talk about who we really missed, how a lot has changed, etc.

There were 5 teachers there... and I couldn't help but be amazed that where, 10 years ago they'd all have come pulling our ears as we get dragged to the Prefect of Discipline for the slightest suggestion of a curse word or an obscene remark... they were all there laughing their hearts out at the many antics and reminscences of the gay emcees. It was like, none of us graduated from a Catholic school!!!

Anton was there and wowed us again at how wonderful his voice has become...

One of the gay emcees, while being entertaining, quipped that those who came from Star Sections before are the ones unemployed now so the lower sections shouldn't feel so bad.

And of course, despite not having old friends to gab with, I couldn't help but be happy with all the things I found out (those who were caught kissing and got detention for it, etc) and remembered (how all the girls only used one building, how we looked the night of our Prom). The organizers prepared this AVP of old and current photos... and also real-time photos... complete with background music. They also played old dance songs (Lick It... yeah).

Of course, it's amazing how... 2/3 of us got fat.... and some more than others. The former campus queens are now sporting bellies and bulges, the former heartthrobs now in the shadow of former average-looking people or geeks who have blossomed into girlie-girlie cuteness and artistic coolness/handsomeness. Some quiet ones have come out, and are now ma-chika and made-up. One showed up pregnant...

And one of those who showed up was my former crush... THE greatest crush of my life. He's also grown fat. Even the gay guys who used to be all over him was aghast. Not that he wasn't able to retain his charming face... but well, he's grown fat.

And he made me miss Lota all the more... though I guess Lota might have minded seeing him because she's been hiding from him (they dated some 2 years ago and he's gotten quite attached to her, in a purely sexual way). And of course, as I was secretly contemplating him from afar, I wondered about how rough he gets in bed (based from my friend's FR) and whether he's good, or just rough.

It was also sad, though only logical, to know that he doesn't make me tingle all over anymore... sigh, we do grow up and outgrow crushes, don't we?

Anyway... it's still nice seeing old faces... a former seatmate told me that she finds my Friendster pics very sexy (ha! i should direct them all to mtc ahehe). I look forward to 10 Jan 2009, for our 15th Anniv... hopefully, i'd have married and given birth to my first child by then...


Sunday afternoon, I had another allergy attack... my students have been texting me all week last week to get better...


2:21 PM Friday, February 04, 2005

Not a very good day so far.

I've already been going all kinds of berserk because one of my rechargeable batteries have been missing since yesterday.

And yes, the batteries were important because they were expensive and if I didn't find that one, i'd have to buy an entire set again... which would cost me some P1k.

And yes, I use the batteries for a really important gadget that fills me with delight and propels me into ecstasies.

I use them for my digicam.


Speaking of digicams...

Usually, when I have the luxury of time... and am just going to be home... I take my time in bathing.

See, I take really quick showers. I figure, since I use a puff (more like a net) and bath gel everyday, surely I won't need to make kuskos so much because am already basically clean.

But when I do have the luxury of time... I take time just shampooing my hair, and then conditioning it while I attend to other body hair... I also foot scrub my feet to death... to prep them for a pedicure. I also use a body scrub first to exfoliate before using my vanilla-flavored (or J&J bedtime) body wash. And then I wrap myself in a towel and lock myself in my room.

I then put on lotion... or the lavander body oil i'm recently using.

It's just that sometimes... my sensuality gets the better of me...

Which takes us back to my camera.

Which leads to naughty pictures.

Which leads to this burning curiosity to upload them in my PC and see how I can use them to bedevil others.

This is what happened last Sunday... this was how I cheered myself up because I was sick.


Which brings me to today.

My PC broke down.. stop error screen whatever, and now would need to be reformatted.

Thank heavens and all that is good and supportive of one of my life's purposes (to spread joy using my form), we were able to at least get my files (all of them). They are now saved in my colleague's PC, awaiting their transfer to their true home.

And in my bag is my camera, frustrated as a ferret that did not get any, and there to stay for the day.

So alas, no new naughty pics for me and the rest of the world.

Woe is the world.

Tonight I will meet with college friends. Tomorrow with high school batchmates.

May I be one of those who look better with time.


Yesteday, I filled up a form and shelled out P500... to reserve Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Sigh. Happiness.

the goal of life is death

9:15 AM Wednesday, February 02, 2005


Got really high praises from a really respected professor in college when I explored that thought for a reflection paper... I don't know anymore what I wrote, but my prof said that I made her look at death in so many new perspectives. (someday, when heaven allows it, I'd go rummaging through old school stuff and maybe post my paper.. someday... )

Anyway, anybody with as much fascination with death and mortality, raise your foot!!!

Not that i'd ever be among those loonies who cloak themselves in darkness and morbidly eschew anything delightful...

And I don't go around declaring the end of the world is near... Nor will you find me committing every transgression in the book since, we could all die anytime anyway...

I'm not that kind of morbid.

Ok, so what kind am i?

First, there's that habit of imagining really unpleasant deaths to befall upon someone who's irritated, upset, betrayed me... and that rush of catharsis when am able to imagine digging their graves and seeing that little piece of cross over the mounds that serve as their resting place in my mind...

Very non-violent of me, right?

At least I don't gouge their eyes out or exhaust myself in coming up with provocative and ugly epithets.

And then there's how, deaths are such a big thing for me, eventhough the death wasn't mine, wasn't in our family or my circle of friends. Just like break ups, I seem to have to know the details of that last goodbye... heck, I even like heroes and heroines dying... I like unhappy endings.

And then, there's this episodal thing, the last of which was yesterday... wherein i'd be passionately thinking of someone and suddenly get to thinking... what if he's having an accident right now?

And suddenly i'd be racked with a sense of loss and fear so real that i'd be choking back tears and feeling nauseous...

And a feeling of remorse... of guilt... that my thinking of that person was sooo strong, he became alive and real inside me, so real it feels apocalyptic of something bad happening... as if thinking of that person invites disaster to befall him...

Like yesterday, I was thinking of my sister all day... and this fear that if I don't make the carbonara she was requesting, she might come to harm... or even if I did make it, she'd still come to harm... I'd come home and she won't be, etc.

It's sooo silly, I know... and so negative... I know...

But i've had many such episodes... or streams of such thought... I just chalk it up to an overactive imagination... and an innate defense mechanism to always be prepared for the worst...


allergies go away
come again another day
sexy me wants to play

happy birthday, sis

8:27 AM Tuesday, February 01, 2005

She stopped being 18 last night, and the first minutes of her birthday found her banging on our printer which was refusing to cooperate. Later on, she happily went to my room to share her masterpiece with us, a very neat title page for her report.

We greeted her of course, and I felt guilty that I didn't have a gift for her that she can wake up to. But i'm still sniffy and I had class last night.

She's requesting carbonara tonight with lots of ham... (and I don't know if i'd still make one since Mom cooked spaghetti already this morning)


She's the conservative, am the liberated one.

And yet, she refuses to let me out of the house if my outfit isn't sexy enough.

Just the other night, she says she needed some gimmick clothes for a 'fashion show' they're holding for a prof... and so she was trying my clothes on. Exasperated, she turned to me and complained that she looked promiscuous.

I reminded her that she shouldn't be going through my wardrobe then... to which she agreed... but she used one of my tops anyway, the black one with the cowl neckline.


She's more masungit than i'd ever be. If I was born PMS-y, she was born menopausal.

I also feel am nicer to my boyfriend.

And we have yet to get a good reason out of her why she refuses to bring her boyfriend home to meet us, while my cousin Tin has not only brought her bf home, but has also brought other friends of hers home... with their boyfriends in tow.


She loves Pyro more than I do. She's a Nursing student with long hours, but at the first sound of whimpering from Pyro's crib, no matter how tired she is, she'd come comforting him back to sleep.

And when Pyro got sick with the rubella, it was her who spent all her sem break days attending to him... unmindful of her bf's longing to spend time with her...

This from the same girl who once told me that she hopes I give birth soon, so she can open up my baby and check out the baby's insides...

The same girl who creepily attends to her doll.

From the same girl who, years ago, admitted to me that she's in a relationship with another girl...

From the same girl who would write me "Happy Birthday" letters on pad paper, filled with hearts...

The same girl who promises me ice cream if only i'd stop crying...


We've had really bad fights... and we've had really good moments.

I could never leave home before because I was so scared i'd miss her growing up... I kept telling myself, I had to protect her from my parents and their warped ways, I had to be there to buy her the nice stuff that I couldn't have before, I had to be there in case she had questions about life, love, and sex...

I never wanted her to feel that she didn't have anybody...

And yet this year, she's setting me free by leaving home first.

Well, not actually leaving home... but migrating to the US with my parents... and no longer giving me a reason not to pursue my other dreams and desires.

I've always said, I love her best. I've always said, she's my mentor... and today she turned 19.


Special mention... happy birthday to a good friend too... thank you for all the comfort and companionship...