1:07 PM Tuesday, September 28, 2004

I think i've kinda outgrown taking pictures of my nephew. Or maybe he just moves too fast these days and is just plain delicious-cute that i'd rather just watch him pick up the phone's handset to put on his shoulder... or fight with other kids over a comb... or do his signature weird thing with whichever of his stuffed toy he's holding that has a tail: he swishes/rubs/sniffs the tail just under his nose and across his face when he's already ready for bedtime (think of that creepy guy with the hair fetish in the Charlie's Angels movie).

My mom is delirious with happiness that my brother has landed a job (finally) and his wife is going to Korea for some 6 months with her band, leaving her free to cart my nephew to Lipa every weekend.


Speaking of pictures, I'm still a lot disappointed that I didn't have a lot of great shots taken last time I went climbing. I also haven't taken photos of anything lately, no chair or twig or play of light has interested me.

And then I was reminded of my friend Aids and pictures he took which I hope to duplicate with some other child. This continues to be a masterpiece of such proportions in soulful photography... for me.


To Mommies who want cute pictures of their daughters, go to Divisoria and get one of those mermaid costumes. It's only P400 (can fit 3-year old babies). My colleague only took videos using her mobile so I don't have any pics to share.



My body finds itself, longing and longing more for you
You, who make it quiver with anticipation
everytime you instruct me to undress
I grow pliant and yielding under your gentle touch...
our encounters relaxing me and nurturing me and fulfilling me
i love the feel of your hands
exploring my body
gently, irrevocably, demandingly
some positions we undertake
make me hold my breath
only to reel with satisfaction after
i do not remember having surrendered
my body to someone as totally
and i can't remember someone
who has pleasured me as generously
my time with you is always not enough
and i find myself biting my lips
wondering when i'd see you next
while gathering my clothes up.


There I was, prone lying with only my panties on, enjoying a massage... when suddenly, people at the spa were shouting that there was a commotion and there were gunshots.

For a while, I felt like one of those sleazy men caught in the act of sleeping with pros during raids... but then I started thinking, "Why would there be a gunfight inside SM Manila?"

Still, I was told to dress up and we all had our bags ready, just waiting for the GO signal that it's safe to leave the premises.

And then, the spa opened it's rolling door (what do you call that?) again and it's business as usual. I was told it's ok to undress again. I had already composed a message to send to JRA (yes, yes... it must be labbb!!), because I was sure he'd want to know if anything's wrong. I didn't send it tho, since I didn't know what was wrong in the first place.

Turned out, there WAS a commotion at the cinema... some people say that A warning shot was fired. But the rat-tat-tat-tat we heard that led all the people running to seek cover was actually the rolling doors of the establishments, all being closed quickly.

Good thing, Gloria's hands are soooo good, I went home relaxed and merry.


I was blog-hopping kanina and found this site directing his readers to a long but worth-it read. Enjoy...

it's so nice to be happy, sha-la-la-la

8:18 AM Monday, September 27, 2004

I told my cousin Tin to bring along her boyfriend when we have dinner this coming Sunday (for my birthday). She said we only keep teasing her about how un-cute he was. My sister and cousin reminded her that he really isn't much to look at (inferno to her, he's not drop-dead ugly naman, he's just too average-looking compared to my cousin who resembles Angel Aquino sans the square-jaw). I remarked that women of our clan never did prefer good-looking men (based from our mothers/aunts and our good-looking female cousins who married non-meztizo and some verging on ugly men).

My cousin then remarked, "What will I do with good-looking men who only want to have sex with me?"

And I couldn't be prouder that my cousin, like our other cousins, valued the intangible worth of a man over his superficial qualities.

But of course, I pray that my sister and cousin have as healthy an attitude towards sex and their bodies as I do... it's kinda pointless being a woman and not be sensual.


Attended the Talent Explosion of the Psych Soc at my old college and met up with old friends. Actually, only 4 of us showed up but we still managed to have a really great time going over old professors (they all knew the one who I hit with a polvoron) and the good old times.

We laughed at the memory of how yucky, loserly men used to take Lite dancing... and how Bhing donned a gown with metallic-chain straps we only wrapped around two buttons at the back, strutting her stuff on stage without knowing that if the chain unwounds from the button, she'd have bared her breasts in front of the whole school (alas, she was still 1st runner-up for Ms. Intrams)... I told them how we'd take that satin cloth in Intramuros and sew the border sequins there, and unravel most of what Allee did because she was just not born to sew... we talked of how we'd escape teachers even if they're only 5 minutes late... and which professors made which of our classmates cry... They all told us how they were amzed that Allee and I would top quizzes when we'd always escape to go watch movies instead... and how, the guy sitting beside Bhing at the Conference Hall that day ended up liplocking with our gay friend Jerry... and how crazy some of our professors were (imagine being given 10 behavior cases, then asked to prepare 3 personality theories as explanation for each behavior... and still not knowing which of the 10 you'd be asked to defend during the oral exam)... and how we could have bagged the trophy for our play Salome, if only our star had a louder voice (Allee was already shouting-projecting, to no avail, and she lost her voice for a week after that).

We also talked about our present preoccupations and future plans. I'm gonna miss Tere, who's being sent to Germany to take up anotehr masteral degree... and Bhing's first baby's upcoming birthday (am godmommy to Julian btw).

How I loved college!

Tere, Me, Lite and Bhing


I seldom cook. And I couldn't find any cumin powder so I used chili powder instead. But the following recipe was a hit at home. They kept complaining that it was too spicy (my Bicolana Mom didn't raise us with spicy anything). But JRA loved it (and refused to go home without getting the recipe) and kept begging me to move the platter away from him. We topped this with Rocky Road cake (yummy!!!) ... and if anyone's wondering why I cooked, it's got to do with grand gestures and JRA... :)

Anyway, feel free to use the recipe as is... or use chili powder instead (maybe you can reduce it to just a tablespoon). I've already thanked my friend from whom I got this one (it was a hit at her birthday party two weeks ago, see).

Brownie Style Chicken Nuggets

1 kilo chicken breast fillet, sliced into bite-size pieces
1 tbsp. garlic powder
1 tbsp. curry powder
2 tsps. cumin powder
2 cubes of chicken broth cubes, mashed or crushed
2 tsps. salt
1 tsp. ground black pepper

A pack of crushed graham crackers. Eggs, beaten

Mix all the dry ingredients. Rub the crushed/mashed chicken broth cubes all over the sliced chicken pieces. Then mix the chicken with the dry ingredients and let it marinate for about an hour or 2.

Heat up a pan with oil for deep frying. Dip the chicken pieces into the beaten eggs, and then roll the chicken pieces in graham crackers until they're covered entirely, then fry until deep brown.

Sour Cream & Garlic Dipping Sauce
1 container of Sour Cream
1 1/2 tbsp of Garlic Powder
1 tsp. salt

1:49 PM Friday, September 24, 2004

Ela is my favorite niece. She's turning eight this December. She's the daughter outside of wedlock of my cousin Arnel. My cousin has three other kids (Kyle, Bryant and Kulay) now with his wife.

I just heard that Ela's Mom is now 4-months pregnant and that she's getting married this October. They both don't have jobs and Ela's Mom is staying with the guy's family.

What breaks my heart?

Ela was left with her maternal lola, and her Mom has asked my cousins to visit her more so she won't feel that she's got no family left.

And of course, I hate her mother right now, even if I understand how shameful it must be to bring along her child from someone else into the house of her in-law.

But isn't there more cause for shame to leave your child behind? A child whose father has always asked to raise her?

I've cried over and over my niece's plight... and I can't bear to witness the fact that she's now being put aside because her parents have to tend to their other families. I hate them for not planning ahead for this, for causing her pain, and for not being strong enough to stand up for her.

Like what I said, my cousin is willing to raise her. His wife is also alright with the idea, and has always been kind to Ela. My other cousin's wife (who lives next door to them) is also willing to raise her, because her husband is Ela's ninong anyway. But we all know Ela won't allow it. Her visits there became fewer and farther between after Bonita was born, because my Tita finally has another granddaughter. And it became least frequent still after Kulay was born, because her dad finally has another daughter. How can we really convince her that she belongs there? How can we make her feel that she's as equally loved?

I hate to see her watchful, expressive eyes sometimes... when I see her observing her dad give Kulay tummy kisses. I'm sure, Kulay's giggles, though music to our ears, always drives a shaft of pain thru her heart... because she knows, her father never did that to her. Arnel, though willing to raise her, has never even held that child. It was Arnel's brother who took care of her when she was a baby, or whenever she'd visit us.

But she'd never cry. I know she gets hurt but she'd never cry. I know visits there emotionally exhaust her, but she'd never cry.

But I would, every birthday she has where her father won't show up. And every time she's sick. And every time I have to remind her father to send her money. And every time she refuses to spend Christmas with us. And every time I see her father look with loving eyes at Kulay. And now, everytime I remember that her Mom has also betrayed her.

And then I get to read this and I want to cry again...

7:50 AM Thursday, September 23, 2004

two years was a long time
to have loved you
two years is a long time
to still care about you
after having said goodbye
you felt so right
and i was so in love
still, i wish you didn't say
you COULDN'T commit
because i believed you could
that you would, in time
but i guess i wasn't woman
to fight for love
when i keep fighting
with the lover
i really loved you then
and still love you
in my way
but i had to love myself
a little

true, i got tired of
and wondering
i knew love seldom went
but i didn't think
it should be so hard
you could have at least
been clear
about wanting a
and when you were
talking about committing
and your fantasies
of OUR baby in my arms
of me being your wife
i was still too numb
with the pain
from your half-baked words
from before
and because i fell
in love
too much, too soon
i was more scared
that it would be
another roller coaster
of uncertainties
for us

and then i find out
that you've lately
just committed
to someone
i was devastated
for lack of a sadder term
for a while
i felt all our memories
and undone
but then i realized
just because you felt so right
didn't necessarily mean
we were right for each other
true enough, i was just
"in the meantime"
true enough, like what i said
i was meant to prepare you
for something better
and here you are
willing at last
to surrender to the
beauty of love

last year, i only gave up
on you
and what could be between us
but now i find
i can finally let you go
and wish you greater
than you've ever experienced
and now, though there is sadness
for what could have been
and though there is
longing still
when things i associated
with you
collide with my present
at least, there is
peace, finally

i've always said before
no woman could ever love you
as much as i did
and no woman can give as much
of herself to you
the way i can
but now i pray, i'm wrong
i just hope that you
sometimes, think of me
and smile when you think
that at one point in time
there was a possibility
of us...

I suspect that sometimes, there is really no closed book on great and true loves... and that there really is no ending to true loving, even after a relationship hasn't worked out.

In my life, i've seen myself married to three guys. This makes me feel all the more blessed, that Life saw it fit to send my way more than one guy to spend a lifetime with and really love. I've made my peace with Alvin (I just miss the fact that he understood me the most) and am making my peace with AE (I will always miss his drawings and poems made for me).

I almost lost JRA to another woman (and I couldn't really blame him if he chose her over me, because I did give him a hard time) and am trying to make peace with that fact too. And I am doing my best (in a non-desperate, non-pathetic way, of course) to win back his trust and his faith in my love. It isn't easy... it verges on really painful at times...

But love, for all its pain, has some truly great rewards...

10:15 AM Monday, September 20, 2004

My friend Misb changed blog address... she's now to be found at http://areyoudrugs.blogspot.com

ARE YOU DRUGS? is a grammar-challenged, funny sentence I got from my friend Mario back in my DOF days... he got it from a pretentious fellow UP student. I posed the exact question several months ago to some pretentious guy who refuses to just speak in Filipino in MTC. It became a word-of-mouth among my AA fwends.

I miss Mario soooo much... sigh


Anybody interested to read about my most recent climb, just check this out. I am still groggy and hurting, mind you.


As I was trudging the slippery trail alone, with friends a hundred or so feet ahead of and behind me... i'd sometimes stop and just lift my head up to the falling rain. And i'd think, I am so blessed and happy with life.

I'd also think, I am so in love with Jesus Reuben R. Arevalo III, that I cannot help but pray that i'd really be able to make an honest man out of him... soon.

1:29 PM Thursday, September 16, 2004

my friend JET just e-mailed me and said she suddenly wanted to share with me the following song:

"I Hope You Dance"
Lee Ann Womack

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder.
You get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger.
May you never take one single breath for granted.
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed.
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens.
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance.
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance.
Never settle for the path of least resistance.
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'.
Lovin'might be a mistake but it's worth makin'.
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter.
When you come close to sellin'out, reconsider.
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance.
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance.

I cannot say I haven't sold out, or given up on dreams, or favored silence over fighting for what I want...

and this song feels like something I'd really want to say to myself over and over... this is how I want to live... this is how I want to be...

and what do you know... AM STILL DANCING! I AM ALWAYS DANCING!!!


by the way, i was sooo excited to go climbing this weekend that i gave my camping blog an orange-y overhaul...

5:54 PM Tuesday, September 14, 2004

allow me to share some pics i took that i find really beautiful... and well... creepy :)

this was taken in Sagada... imagine taking that picture at Echo Valley, with the setting sun upon you, the air chilly, and your companion is egging you to take closer pictures of them coffins... ( i wasn't using my beloved canon yet then)

this one i took in Baguio, for no other reason other than it was really cold, and I got inspired

and if anyone here was already around to read my entry about the doll that my sister keeps... well, here you have it folks...

and now, imagine my sister and cousin having my nephew play with that doll... like when my nephew is sitting on the floor, they'd have the doll sit next to him as if they're playmates :) or having them command Pyro to embrace that doll...

tres creepy, no?


for some kicks, let me share you the pic i took.. which a Stat Prof from UP absolutely adored...


i no longer have any WCs to eat at home... woe is me

1:19 PM Saturday, September 11, 2004

happy news I just received the news that my nephew and godson, Kyle, 4-years old (the one who once told his Aunt that she had feet and could just as easily get the broom she was asking him to get for her) and attending Nursery school… is top of both morning and afternoon nursery classes. Finally, that superstitious tradition of having someone with qualities you want your child to possess to cut his hair first, on his first birthday, is coming true… Then again, I cut all of their hair first (Kyle and brother Bryant and sister Kulay, and their first cousins Bonita and Bitoy) so the pressure to have them all grow up and be excellent in school is putting pressure on me. Seriously.

really happy news We finally have a car! My Dad surprised us all by having my cousin drive the Isuzu (sorry but I don’t know much about cars, all I know is it’s not a sedan, it’s that Crosswind-type one) to Manila last night to fetch my Mom. I know most people won’t understand the relevance of this one, but I was so happy for my parents. It was a dream come true for them, after all the years of saving and penny-pinching, investing all their money on lands and houses instead of luxuries like that (especially if you take in the fact that gasoline prices are rising every week). This signaled the start of their not-so-practical purchases to just enjoy life… and I’m really, really happy. And my Dad started learning to drive yesterday, at the grand old age of 59.

very happy news I have white chocolates waiting for me to feast on!!! Two whole blocks and other miscellaneous bon bons and White Kitkat. I feel loved again!!!

kinda sad news My cousin Tin-Tin, who’s lived with us for 4 years now, turned 20 last night. Sigh. How fast they really grow up… I can still remember changing her diapers and babysitting her… and now, she’s not a teenager anymore. And of course, I marvel at how she’s turned out to be the beauty and loving woman we’ve always predicted her to become. Happy birthday, sweet cousin, and adopted sister.

really sad news Found out that since Wednesday, my nephew Bitoy has been confined in the hospital because of bad asthma. I couldn’t help but feel really sad, his last confinement cost his parents P17k and they’re not really well off. And Bitoy has been in and out of the hospital because of his lungs ever since he was born, and he’s only 1-year and 3 months old, just a month older than my Pyro. A child shouldn’t have to be so sick. His dad just texted me that his lungs are really weak, and are now really infected. So, anyone, please pray for my nephew. It just really hurts to have loved ones sick, what more babies like him.

allow me this sentimentality

10:47 AM Thursday, September 09, 2004

I was really sad last week...

But my nephew's trip to the zoo somehow awakened me out of my misery. I just realized that he's growing up so fast now... he's walking-running now (as long as he has an adult finger to give him a sense of security, however false, since he can actually walk now) and talking (papa, paba, taxi, tao po, tita, yaya) and demands that all attention be on him when he's playing...

He's a riot act all by himself, and two days in a row without playing with him leaves anybody in the house restless... we always feel we're missing out... And the delight we get in his every smile, in every new trick he learns (from beautiful eyes, bless, clap hands, exercise, darna and heavy breathing), in every tooth that he grows (he has 9 now)... is just priceless...

Mom was looking at his photographs the other night, and with a certain softness in her voice, she said... "Pyro's eyes are really beautiful"... and when I was asking him for an embrace last night, his expression coy and playful, he leaned forward to plant a kiss on my nose...

And I couldn't help but be a little sad again... that soon, he'd really forego foraging in my clothes cabinet, or going thru the contents of my bag, or drooling over my magazines...

He's fast growing up...


And I realize I have to buy a new cellphone SOON that can record sounds and have them used as message alerts/ringtone... because I want to record his giggle while it still rings with unaffected happiness...


And so of course, while the things that made me sad last week haven't changed nor improved... they somehow seem trivial now...

3:02 PM Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Watched The Terminal last night, and I swear, if Tom Hanks don't get another Oscar nomination for this, everybody can just go to hell!

He was just sublime in his portrayal of his character, or maybe actors who need never distort their faces just to effect an emotion cannot help but always impress me.

The movie, like Love Actually, made me laugh and cry seemingly without effort... it just didn't seem contrived...

And tho it ended with the usual happy ending of sorts, it still veered away from some usual expectations... i'm just really, really impressed.

A far better movie than THE NOTEBOOK... which totally ruined the novel for me.

11:31 AM Monday, September 06, 2004

My sis-in-law and her siblings (who have married foreigners) have been having this grand reunion for weeks now... they bring their kids to the mall together, they go swimming in Laguna, they visited our house in Lipa (where the kids fought over who will pick the lanzones my Dad was harvesting, and where this half-German kid insisted in taking a whole banana leaf and some sticks back to Manila) and of course, they had to go bring the youngest cousins to the zoo.

look who's brave

The only baby I know who doesn't delight in seeing his feeding bottle, my nephew however will spend hours plowing the entire first floor for ants. And because of my Mom's incessant drive to rid our house of pets, Saturday morning found this baby mouse falling from somewhere, half-dead from poison. Faster than a speeding bullet, my nephew managed to reach the mouse (he doesn't really walk yet unless you're holding him by the finger, and he doesn't know how to crawl, what he does is this cripple-slide using his feet to pull his bottom) and before his mother could pick him up, the mouse was already in his hand, being crushed further to death.

Of course, Angie (the mom) went berserk... and tried picking a fight with my brother for letting their precious bundle of joy and smelly poop to pick something so hideously awful. But I guess, it really meant he was prepared for Manila Zoo (which was enough for kids, but I heard Avilon Zoo at Montalban is a LOT better)

I didn't go with them... but since it was my nephew's first time at the zoo, I begrudgingly parted with my digicam and let them borrow it for the day, with instructions not to delete any pics they take (i'd do it for them, lest they mess up any of the settings), not to drop the cam or let the kids play with it, and to not bring it anymore if they ever decide to ride boats or go near the water.

And so, I heard of how calmly my nephew let a parrot peck on his fingers, and how he pulled a turtle's head backwards (I am not condoning my nephew's cruelty to animals... the zoo should have known better not to have them petted by visitors), and how he kept kicking the above croc's snout (?)...

And the piece de resistance...

Before I go ga-ga over the weird, drooling, lovable entity that is my nephew... I would like first to say that words escaped me, and continue to escape me, for that tragedy last Friday at Commonwealth Avenue...

... where a man jumped from this flyover with his one-year old child, with the child (of course) dying due to internal hemorrhage... after some 3 hours of negotiation that amounted to nothing...

there are a lot of things that were easily noticed/critiqued... mostly, how everybody who was watching were unable to do something to catch the father and son's fall if the father decides to jump anyway... after all, they can catch jumping people in concerts and landing balloons that can be inflated in 2 minutes tops are already invented and they could have at least parked a truck there or something to catch the fall... and why was traffic not stopped in the midst of negotiations?

but i am more appalled and shocked and saddened and worried over what brought that man there in the first place... drugs is just something that aggravated it... but really, what drove him there?

because i'm not just a little sad...

3:48 PM Thursday, September 02, 2004

i think it's time
i become a girl again
a girl
who keeps the faith
and has hope
lives free, unbounded
prays nightly
laughs constantly
a girl who knows
that the important things
are those spontaneous,
little acts of kindness
a girl
able to be vulnerable
able to apologize
able to forgive
i really pray i'll be
a girl
who can get hurt
and then forget
and forever move on
again and again
starting fresh everyday
able to sleep in the night
and dream sweet dreams
i want to be the girl i was
who believed in people
and myself
who wrote letters
and said my "thank you's"
and my "sorry's"
without pride
i want to go back
to the original beauty
of my innocence
where i danced and played
and just simply
lived and loved
when sweetness was my name
and thoughtfulness my game
when my values were straight
my goals aligned
no bitterness and resentment
to poison my soul
no regrets to burden my heart.

- Mec October 09, 2000, 2:45 pm