4:07 PM Tuesday, August 31, 2004

ang kulit nila diba?

and since i can't repeat the same with my gang from my neighborhhod, maybe i'd just find an old picture of my cousins and me and we'd immitate it...

5:25 PM Monday, August 30, 2004

I read somewhere... before...

go back to old watering holes
old friends are there to meet you

but what if the people you find, though familiar, are no longer friendly? and what if, in the course of revisiting, you find there are tears still left to be spilled...

for that man.. or that woman... or that person... or that certain something that never was...

and you bite your lips as you keep the tears at bay... unwilling to go through all of it again, the pain, the shame...

unwilling to accept that there just may be bridges you haven't crossed, and walls that have not been torn down

and even before the pain really hits you...

you resist and say "I give up already, please, not again"

and you wonder, whatever happened to your peace of mind...


This has been long due, but i've really been meaning to write about Mr. Sulpico, a Filipino I am really proud of.

Not that I want to sensationalize the deed that I believe he made without dreams of adulation, but after the hoopla over Angelo dela Cruz (with whom Mr. Sulpico shares the desire of wanting to provide a better life for his family like all other OFWs), he was truly a welcome breath of fresh air.

Angelo dela Cruz, for all his fortunate and unfortunate luck, did nothing heroic aside from braving working in a foreign land. The Angelo dela Cruz story seems to me to be ridden with hypocrisy... from the government's end. He was a pawn they used to come off as principled. I see no 'principle' and 'consideration' and 'wise judgment' from a government that continues to let its officials plague the country with their greed. And I don't see anything right with "standing for something" when it is ridden with so much inconsistency. After all, the government didn't extend their graciousness to those other OFWs who came home missing limbs from mines/bombing accidents.

But Mr. Sulpico did the right thing. He is allowed to have had hours of fantasies on what to do with the loot, because he still returned what was not his. He is entitled to whatever monetary rewards strangers may deem fit to bestow upon him, because in a way, he earned them by being honest. And because of what he did, not only did he make sure that he will keep his children's respect for him forever, he also got gracious rewards from others... and deserved it.

How his kids must be proud of him. And how thankful I am, as a Filipino, to have him redeem our name, even if only for a while.


The priest yesterday talked about humility, using water as an example.

There are a lot of drinks that we all love today that comes from adding something to water (it sounds like a really stupid sentence but I have to make this point). Certain powders are added to make the instant juice drinks or iced teas that refresh us after exercising. Certain powders and syrups and beans make up the fraps we sip as we end our dates, dinner, or hectic days at work. Certain processes are done to water to make them into the poisons we order in bars as we party with friends. In short, we make it complicated to have another/a different use.

But when we make it complicated, we also start limiting its uses. Somehow, certain capacities are lost in the pursuit of something else.

And true enough, you don't use gin to mix cement. And you don't use capuccino to water plants. Not only will such be more expensive, but it may also do more damage than good.

And so the priest warned us to remain simple and basic as plain water, which has a lot of uses... rather than aspire to be just this one special(ized) beverage, with limited possibilities.

I don't think he was discouraging self-realization either...

3:52 PM Friday, August 27, 2004


1) Have at least 3 ex-bfs replace me with a common friend, all guys knowing how much I hate that.
2) Find the movie EXORCIST a tear-jerker (which also awakened a lot of perceived maternal fears)
3) Lose my new SIM card in a motel room because I had nothing better to do (my mate was exhausted and sleeping, as usual) and have the motel manager and 2 room boys dismantle the bed so I can get to my SIM.
4) Do this striptease act for a boyfriend, and ending it with supposedly turning the lights off as I join him in bed… and accidentally flicking the master switch (which turned off all other lights and the aircon), which then refused to work after, which resulted to me having to dress up again in the bathroom while room boys tried activating the master switch… and ending up having to transfer to another room.
5) Get scabbed knees and elbows, not because I was climbing mountains, but because I kept tripping (by myself) along major Manila streets, or falling off jeeps
6) Get caught naked (just after photographing myself in the nude, at that) by a chambermaid who didn’t even have the facility to notice that it’s a) seven in the morning, b) there was no “DIRTY ROOM, PLEASE CLEAN” sign on our doorknob and c) the TV was blaring the morning news loudly (or was it MTV?)
7) Bang the left side of my face on a headboard, because I suddenly turned to assist my lover who suddenly got cramps, in the middle of nookie, right before orgasm (everyone should see his expression tho… he was in pain but he couldn’t help laughing.. until I started crying).
8) Dream of big, fat, black rats biting/sucking my toes and find it erotic
9) Be excited with my first car ride with an intelligent, good-looking, good-natured guy (not that I was into him or anything but tickled pink just the same with the supposed promising situation), and then have the guy confide in me that he believes he's gay.
10) Be rushed into the emergency room from a freak accident while riding an FX. Twas freaky because we didn't hit any car or light post or turned turtle or whatever (in fact, car was fine and scartch-free), but I managed to hit my back (and keep this ugly gash mark in my back forever) on the support of the middle seat (for lack of a better description)
11) Be talking kinkily with a man on the phone, and get convinced to sleep with him, only to have him unavailable at that exact moment (which explains my almost-virginal status, because I seldom get casually willing again...). I swear, even with a boyfriend, it's sometimes such a hassle to schedule a kangfest.

i've actually thought of many other things that weirdly happened to me but forgot them all after seeing the Philippines unfairly deprived of a medal in taekwondo...


By the way, everyone, please include kiwipinay in your prayers... Thanx and Happy weekend...


Last Wednesday night, my nephew was able to climb our stairs, all by himself, amidst the applause and cheers, bated breaths, alert hands and not-so-silent prayer of the whole household.

Of course, the pride we all felt after this magnificent feat... was priceless.

Last night, he contented himself with just playing under an umbrella (very much in his element because, for 2 days in a row due to heavy rains and flooding, the house was packed with people to attend to his needs).


Mom told us that Pyro never smelled like a baby really should because he was never breastfed. As much as I love the little tyke, he never really had that sweet scent i've always associated with babies (not that Pigeon baby shampoo, or the new Johnson & Johnson's Bedtime bath don't do wonders).

And seriously, I don't know what it is with baby's milk nowadays... I mean, I used to change my cousins' diapers before (one of them is the 18-year old currently living with us) and they were on formula too, but i remember their nappies smelling too butter-y at worst.

Now, we have to deal with yucky greenish-blackish waste... and he's not even eating much of solid food yet!

9:38 AM Tuesday, August 24, 2004


> That my Economics professor in high school had a face shaped like a parrot's? (or maybe I just really hated him)
> And that my jaws are complaining everyday because i've developed the habit of chewing gum... and can consume up to 20 pellets of Orbit now?
> That I didn't like white chocolate before, even felt offended by the concept, until a bf thought I liked it and kept buying some for me until I no longer appreciate the good, old-fashioned milk chocolate kind?
> That I so adore my nephew (who can now babble TAXI the whole day), it sometimes hurts?
> That I love to eat so much, donations of Violet/Berry Skittles, Lays (Sour Cream and Onion), Choco Caramel Cake, Potato Almond Krunch, Brazo de Mercedes, Mocha Cake, Coffee Crumble Ice Cream, Planters Cashews, White Chocolates (DovE WhiTe, CadBuRy DReam, White tObLeRone, SnowFlakEs WhiTe, WhiTe MaltEserS, CadBuRy DreAm EgGs, LeoNida's WhiTe PraliNes), Fresh Oysters, Crabs and Shrimps in chili sauce, Tuna Sashimi, Thailand's spicy tamarind, Minty Oreo Cookies... will be more than welcome?
> That I've been using vanilla-scented perfumes/colgnes/body wash since 2000 and still really love the sweet, mild smell?
> That my allergies always seem to cease and desist when am eating or having sex?
> That i've been celibate for some 2 months already?
> That ever since I became aware of sex, i've vowed to myself that I won't get married a virgin? Especially since I didn't ever want a guy to put more worth in a supposed innocence rather than my other wonderful traits (altho i can't think of one right now)?
> And that one of the worst horrors/punishments I can think of, is having bad sex with an awkward, smelly partner for the rest of your life?
> And so, I sort of aimed to test drive every partner I feel I really care about, but ended up preserving several boyrfriends' virginity?
> That being driven to tears during lovemaking, not because you got hurt, but because the sex was so cataclysmically beautiful, is one of the best experiences of my life?
> That one of my more horrible self-destructive experiences was allowing a guy to masturbate beside me (while making these weird gasping noises) inside a movie theater, because I really wanted to go home already but didn't quite have the facility to just walk out on him, and neither did I want to go to a motel with him, and I was just struck dumb, I couldn't really think straight? (goes to show that dating after a break-up wasn't for me)
> That the abovementioned experience can only be topped with this one time that I actually let a guy I just met in a bar to bring me home, who of course parked in front of this haunted building in CCP and scared me enough to make me agree to kiss him? And that he was such a sloppy kisser I almost drowned? And that he made me forever hate wet kissers? And he's the same guy who told me that if only he could reach his own d!ck, then he'd give himself a BJ and not ask some from girls anymore?
> That one time I tried dating again, the guy managed to slam close a taxi door on my foot? And that all these experiences made me conclude that unless am half in-love with the guy already, dating is generally a hassle?
> That I don't really enjoy 69 because the guy either stops performing out of pleasure I give him, or he doesn't fully appreciate the pleasure I was giving him because he was performing? And vice versa.
> 97% of my nudie/naughty pics were taken using my digicam's timer, when am alone in a room somewhere... and not during nookie breaks with a guy?
> That most guys I know think of me first whenever they hear mention of vanilla, mocha cake and white chocolate?
> That I am multiple orgasmic?
> That I am crazily in love with the shape of my boobs, and very proud of how pert my nips are?
> That I am so terribly bored and have nothing to do here at work, and fed up researching one economic crisis news after another?

4:27 PM Monday, August 23, 2004

You are the fox.

Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla


as i said before, i know you love life as much as any person i know (and it
would take a lot for you to even plan on it), but ur mood swings are also
unfathomable... u go to extremes, in love and then in despair of being so wrong in love, happy and sad (or should i say ecstatic and gloomy as hell), so open and honest one second, then secretive and mysterious the nxt... as i said, extremes... so dont blame us for being worried when you go all puffy eyed from crying all night after saying you've been very very happy for the past weeks... ok???
(Nils, in an e-mail)

I feel like a child, reprimanded... and much loved and misunderstood and fussed over, just the same...

Times like these, I can't help but wonder how i'd be when pregnant... I don't really want to be this weepy mess of a woman, but... uhm...

Howell, two words... WHITE CHOCOLATE

Re-reading my old blog and I wonder why I was sooooo blatantly horny then, and why I am not brimming with kink right now...

Maybe it's really because I want cake.


I don't know how many successes i've had popping corn in the microwave, but my colleagues still cannot forget that one time when I followed the instructions and left the popcorn to pop alone... and it ended burnt... and other departments in our floor showed up at our door to ask if there's a fire, seeing smoke coming from our doors.

Anyway, we'd still all be going home smelling of buttered popcorn today. Love it...

"Now, come here kids, hold your hands together... yes, that's it, to form a circle. Now, see this toy? You will pass this to your colleague, ok?"

Dammit, that kiddie party faerie emcee should be shot!

And that birthday girl's dad looked so much like someone who used to be crazy in love with me, it was creepy.


Note to self: flicking (for lack of a better English term for the word PITIK) a drowsy driver on the face will not make him less sleepy, but will make him want to kick you out of his car...

I should have known that such isn't a cure for sleepiness... the things your classmates lead you to believe, tsk tsk.


Stuck myself to the sofa almost all weekend, watching the Olympic games. Which little girl is soooo ugly that she dreams of becoming a weight lifter anyway? ugh... (am sorry, I know they must have shit their pants many times to get to the top... and they may already be suffering from pelvic floor syndrome... and I still think, such isn't right)


I wonder sometimes if there is such a thing as 'too late'... like a pursuit of a dream, a disclosure of truth, a revealing of love....


Praise should go to this 6-year old girl I really don't know, who rid her Dad of his smoking habit by refusing to kiss him several years back, because he kept smelling like an ashtray.

11:49 AM Friday, August 20, 2004

I miss Alvin, that former boyfriend who is already married right now, with a really great kid, and working back in the NGO where we met. And I wonder how the fate that sent me a man like him couldn't send me another one with the trait that I loved most about him.

He let me be. Who I am. Who I want to be.

Very high-handed to not be thankful enough that i've been sent soooo many men to love me, right? But it can really kill the romance and all your good intentions when the one you love and would like to be with... can't exactly appreciate the whole you. And it feels pointless at best to be spending time with a man who you have to keep certain aspects of your life from.

And it's not even that you really wanna keep secrets. It's just that you can't tell him certain things, or certain stories, without eliciting this stony silence that means, he's not trusting you again.

I keep telling myself, I can't blame the man. For long ago, I did fall in love with someone else while he wasn't looking. Still, I wonder how much longer I'd have to put up with the mistrust. I thought, we were going to move forward.

I also wish i'd stop dreaming of him not buying me cake, or buying me cake I'd never eat (coconut crumble? yuck)... which suggests that maybe I should get the cake myself since I feel i'm not getting it anytime soon from him.

I just wish my eyes aren't as puffy right now because of the whole night crying, which made me decide to skip work too.

Happy weekend to me...


Watched STEPFORD WIVES last night. Loved the movie, real funny... but they weren't able to explain how the men can withdraw cash from their wives.


Ate at Hizon's last night too. Loved this salad with this dressing that tasted like thousand islands but wasn't really. Good thing I asked the waiter how the dressing was done after we've finished off our meal (love their lemon butter sauce on prawns too, and the roast ham was divine!). I was shocked when he told me it was Minola Oil (mineral cooking oil), vinegar, ketchup and pineapple juice.

Ugh... I thought it was honey and vinegar because it was so thick syrup-y. Ugh.

super post script... i hate life. I want cake. I want Becky's Kitchen Potato Almond Krunch. I hate life.

11:03 AM Thursday, August 19, 2004

In reaction to my friend Trina's post, I would just like to expound on the idea of being romantic.

First, I'm one of the few who doesn't have a problem about romantics being realists too. There just isn't any conflict between the two for me, since I feel that both terms exact a truthful awareness of things.

Second, I've never called myself a hopeless romantic. I'm a hopeful romantic. Despite being disappointed, I seem to have this inherent capacity to forever believe that good things will happen in their own sweet time, provided of course, that the person has prepared for them, and has made the decisions to bring them about.

HOPE - verb
1) to desire with expectation of obtainment
2) to expect with confidence
Third, it's the romantics that color the world, for they are the ones who dream and search, the ones who invent and create, the ones who recreate and record...

I am not ashamed to admit that when in love, I even record text messages sent me. I will not deny that there are boxes and boxes of old love letters and poems and songs under my bed, to serve as souvenirs of liaisons with different men. I will have to confirm that I experienced jelly legs in first kisses. I would be too much of a hypocrite if I don't admit that the lack of text message or loving touch from a loved one can really ruin my day, or that I haven't been spiteful and irrational because of jealousy.

I cannot even say that my world hasn't crumbled because of a relationship that went awry. I cannot even say that I have not deceived and have been deceived by men. I cannot say that I never broke hearts. I cannot say that my heart was never broken.

Because loving really requires so much from me, even if sometimes, I was really just engaged by the idea of being in love, or overwhelmed by the attention I was being given.

And yes, there have been many times that I've given up, felt numb, been forced on my knees. There were many times when I couldn't see the point of it all anymore... and not just with boy-girl relationships.

I loved, therefore, I got hurt. I continue to love, and still continue to get hurt. But the realist me knows that pain is part of the beauty that is love. And the romantic me knows that things don't end with pain... and that there are other things to look forward to (or look back to).

Late night talks, walking hand-in-hand, introductions to his friends and family, support when you're down, plans of marriage, passionate lovemaking, someone to fuss over, someone to worry about you, new perspective in things, initiation to new things and adventures, reality checks...

I loved, therefore, I was happy. I felt passionate. I felt alive. I learned a lot of things that are facilitating my becoming. The realist me knows that ecstasy and growth results from the beauty that is love. And the romantic me knows that greater things are yet to come... there may be more hurdles, but there will also be wider bridges and more arms to help me across.

This way, I never lose. I felt lost lots of times, but i've never lost. I will not lose.

Playing the crying game need not mean forever. But loving, I have found, brings with it its own brand of eternity.


I have decided that when i'm pms-y or rattled or harassed or feeling sensitive and vulnerable and needy... i'd just refer to myself as infanticipating. It's a euphemism, I know, but i think it'd be a cuter, more unique way of letting friends and family know that I am on the warpath, and that they should immediately cater to my irrational, childish needs or go away.

1:05 PM Tuesday, August 17, 2004

It is not easy finding happiness within yourself, and impossible of finding it from anywhere else.

or so someone said. I'm just glad that , for no particular reason, i woke up today humming-to-myself happy.



My cousin was showing some of the drawings her 'mental patients' made to my sister, who was looking forward to being assigned to a mental insitution soon. Both are nursing students. My cousin laughingly told many stories about what her patients did or said (like the one above). My sister, looking at the drawings, wondered why they almost all drew balls and houses.

I suddenly got transported back to the time my class went to the National Mental Health Institution in Mandaluyong... where we fell in line as we went from one gallery of insane people to another to another. One patient asked us from which school we came from, my friend Bhing answered "PNU" and the guy replied back "Ay, ako kasi galing UP eh." wehehe

And then I couldn't help but sigh with a little sadness that I can't anymore interpret psych tests like the House-Tree-Person Test or the MMPI... can't even remember anymore how to properly administer them (though when college researchers sometimes come to our office to have survey questionnaires filled up, I usually cannot help but critique the questions, and question the validity and reliability of such... because I had brilliant teachers for Psych Testing and I cannot easily forget what they taught). Then there's the sadness brought about by the fact that if I need not care for a good salary, i'd probably be doing volunteer work in NGOs and rehab clinics because I'm really happiest in that setting. Then there's also the sadness for all those people who... I suspect, didn't have the grace to triumph over losses and tragedies... and then the likely possibility that they were misdiagnosed and drugged wrongly, which made them sicker.

I'm a psych graduate, one who is averse to people labelling themselves as manic-depressive and such (tho I know that there are real people with real psychoses brought about by bad physiology). I feel that for people of the modern times, it's easier to just label themselves and become silently proud and feel justified that they're sick and that's it. And that's wrong. Or at least, sad...

Which is why I always pray, may I be made of better stuff than most. May I know how to bend rather than break. May tears always afford me with reprieve, with release. May I have the grace to know that bad things will happen even to good people while also remembering that good things happen to people, good or bad, all the time.


I dunno about you guys but I love this position!!! And I love the picture!!!

5:06 PM Monday, August 16, 2004

There was this guy who, upon finding out that I was experimenting with photography (on my body to boot), offered to take nude shots of me. And because nothing was particularly preoccupying me today, I started just browsing picture sites and came upon his site. I was mighty impressed with his nude shots of this woman... and people who commented on the pictures were equally engaged.

Now, if only I was not sporting love handles and unnecessary bulges (which would be lovely if they're Rennoir's paintings), I probably would have texted him immediately to do me next! That didn't sound right... but you know what I mean. I really don't know about other women but there's just something so empowering and liberating about posing nude, and seeing for yourself the slight swells and bends of your own body. There's always that symmetry only you can possess, a grace or posture that only you can effect... and an overall beauty that further affirms your inner strengths.

I will not pretend to NOT having an EXHIBITIONISTIC streak, but having always revelled secretly in how my skin feels... or how my butt is shaped ... or the perfect cup that are my breasts... I cannot feel thankful for cameras and timers.


I have that undie in red and pink too... dang, i love cherries!

12:34 PM Friday, August 13, 2004

ABWB and Weddings

ABWB was what we called our 5some back in college for kicks.

"Alliance of the Brilliant, the Wild and the Bewitching" aka as "Asosasyon ng mga Babaeng Walang Baet".

Anyway, Jerry (the only guy, who is also gay) texted me last night to ask me to refer anyone I know who's getting married since he's now a wedding planner/coordinator and a gown designer employing the best burdaderas from Lumban, Laguna. I told him i'd put his number here, in case anyone would like to check him out (0927-6859901). I also asked him to be good at this trade and start sourcing out cheaper (but quality) materials for gowns since i'd be his most demanding customer someday. I was so happy for him, and so happy with the fact that one of my friends have ended up in this business that I announced to the whole household already that Jerry is doing my gown.

My closest friend from the group, Allee, texted me this morning saying that she's thinking of getting married December next year too. She asked if I had wedding plans since she doesn't want us to say our marriage vows on the same date. I just advised her not to get married on a certain date (which is my dream wedding date since HS, no matter what year it may take place) and also informed her that i'm removing her from my entourage.

And thus, it is written, more weddings are coming up!

Our two other friends are already raising kids.

2:45 PM Tuesday, August 10, 2004

January last year, I predicted that I'd be finally walking down the aisle December of this year. Alas, it seems I have more than a year to wait. Still, with friends left and right getting married (this is Libet's wedding cake, and no it's not dalandan, pandan or avocado-flavored... it's walnut something and green is her fave color), I really sometimes cannot help but think how my own would be like.

Of course, it's going to be a big one, what with my family and friends alone reaching over a hundred, tho not necessarily a grand one. Still, I hope God will bless me with the grace to not put myself heavily in debt just so I can have my dream wedding. I just really feel it's a bad way to start your marriage life, paying off loans and credit card bills because you just HAD to have this specific cake, or so many butterflies, or so many meal courses, etc.

Another prediction/goal I set in that January blogpost last year is that my passport will finally get a stamp. I even hoped for Malaysia, but alas, it was Hongkong. I still have to buy myself a little black dress tho, and upgrade my mountaineering gear... but it's nice that somehow, i'm moving forward.

(i think am really bored and need to like, hang out and just talk with someone... for hours... sigh... what other senseless post will i be coming up with next!?! am listening to hiphop/rnb songs and just rocking my head back and forth here, am really going crazy, lolz)


This is Andrea Santiago, our neighbor. She was playing with Pyro one time and unbeknownst to me, followed me when I was going up to my room. She fell off the stairs at the first step but managed to hit my pc's cpu. Of course, she cried a hell lot. My cpu, on the other hand, received such a blow that my video card got dislocated which required my pc to be opened and all sorts pa.

And since Pyro is already very interested in smashing my keyboard (not just clicking on the keys, he has to hear it drop on the floor), I wonder how much he's going to torture my pc, in time.

menace to households... tsk tsk..


First, I never really liked Sharon Cuneta, never liked her singing voice, the way she speaks, the way she hosts (I'm actually of the opinion that she's just a glorified version of Kris Aquino, and as fake too... for how can a self-respecting and really intelligent, discriminating woman LIKE everything and everyone?), the way she acts. But i've always commended her for righting a big-time wrong by at least holding out for another marriage and not slutting herself about, for not exactly parading her wealth around, for seeming to prioritize family over career (though it doesn't exactly seem like it, for she gets multi-million peso commercial deals even when pregnant and she keeps getting expensively magnificent goodbye and welcome back again shows) and for not being given to palengkera tendencies. She seemed decent and smart. She seems to have made really better and better choices.

But changing her daughter KC's surname from Concepcion to Pangilinan (effective last July 23, I think)? And simply because she wanted all her children's surnames to be the same? Ridiculous! And KC being of age shouldn't have allowed it. There's really no point in adopting her, she's of legal age already. Her dad is still very much alive and has provided for her at least one time in her life. They say Gabby wasn't even informed of the betrayal. And even if Sharon and Kiko were to argue that Gabby was a deadbeat dad who never gave enough emotional and financial support, he's still the biological father and he's always acknowledged KC to be his child (partly why I never found KC to be exceptionally pretty is beacuse it's her dad's face thru and thru!). If Sharon is still feeling vindictive, she should have just switched KC's surname to Cuneta and be done with Concepcion.

Charlene Gonzales kept her father's name even if the man she calls her father is that Bonin guy. But she respected her real father enough. I know it's pretty hard to be reasonable when you hate the father of your kid/s and you're already separated... but a parent shouldn't ever encourage hate from a child, for how else will she learn to forgive the imperfect and irresponsible parent? I don't know really, but this development doesn't feel right.

I wonder if this has allayed some of the stigma/pain for KC of her biological parents' separation.... or if this will really buy more votes for Kiko Pangilinan someday... or if it would make KC richer to have 3 named parents to someday inherit from... or if it really bought more confidence/esteem, peace of mind and respect for any of them.

Well, I just really hope it didn't just widen the gap separating father and child... and decreased the chances at forgiveness for the once married couple...

(a reaction to gossip discussed over lunch, heaven help me, I really am bored)

8:13 AM Monday, August 09, 2004

Watched the dvd given to me of LOST IN TRANSLATION. Yes, Jay, I really hope I will never find myself in her position... then again, I was never good at Philosophy back in college... :)

Still, i'd love to be treated with as much respect by a stranger...


Also watched ELLA ENCHANTED. Not only was I greatly entertained (we watched it twice at home), but Anne Hathaway was not only beautiful, she was also very expressive.

And, surprisingly enough, the movie was based on a book. Hopefully, i'd get my hands on a copy.


Weekend was a quiet one for me, started re-reading Harry Potter from Book 1 (am now in the middle of Book 4), allowed my nephew to play with my collection of underwear (why he had this fascination for a maroon bra, I shall never know) and throw away everything in my bag, ate lotsa milk (yes, ate... as in powdered milk and sugar in a cup and eaten using a teaspoon... a habit i haven't really outgrown from childhood) and skittles and chewing gum... and generally behaved like the sloth that I am.

And so, of course, I'm not very happy that it's Monday.

3:21 PM Friday, August 06, 2004

The proposal to adopt the 2-child policy here in the Philippines is news. I am against it and just really glad that from what I know of the country, it cannot be implemented anyway.

Aside from fearing that it will give way to more of the horrible abandonment of infants and aborted fetuses, I am taking it personally as I mean to have as many kids as I want, that my husband and I can afford (not just financially) to bring up. And it cannot be lesser than 3 kids for me.

And of course, the machismo-ridden Senate hasn't thought of conducting vasectomy on say, 1/4 of the reproductive population to complement the 2-child policy and the things women are forced to go thru (from pill-taking to ligation).

Once, I took the drudgery of compiling all my written works, poems, articles, essays... and had them bound. I was fervent in my search of a picture of an old tomb in a decay-laden cemetery to complement the "book's" title whish was MEComposing, but alas, I was unlucky.

Still, I made 3 copies of the original and had them bound (at P100 each since I wanted the job done asap). On the first page of each were personalized letters... to 3 people who I feel have helped me define what things to stand for in this life. 2 of the compilations reached their intended recipient, I still have the last one. And I fear, it won't ever reach its destination.

Still, my purpose was accomplished... the act helped purge me of a lot of negative feelings, and it helped me say goodbye to really bad times.


Ralph Fiennes is playing Lord Voldemort in the next HP movie!!!! How I really wish they got Joseph Fiennes to play Mad Eye Moody... and with Gary Oldman there, it would have been perfect.

Still, who doesn't love Ralph? :)

4:33 PM Wednesday, August 04, 2004

YES, a new template :)

Not that I had anything against my old one (i'd forever thank my friend Vera for accommodating all my specifications regarding the roving cleavage). It's just that i've been using the old one for over a year now. As they say, time for a COOL change...


My pregnant boss was telling me, several days ago, how she and her husband has stayed till well past 2 am arguing over the issues raised by this DEBATE show they watched, over the matter of giving equal percentage of inheritance to legitimate and illegitimate children.

Her husband's take, of course, was to not punish said illegitimate children by depriving them of an equal opportunity to own a biological parent's properties. True, it isn't any child's fault that he is born. And true, just because he is born outside of wedlock does not make him any less his father or mother's child.

My boss, however, is of the opinion that illegitimate children shouldn't take away from what is already conjugal property. After all, all accummulated wealth and properties become conjugal property (and to hell with pre-nups which can easily be contested if you have the money/connection to get a brilliant lawyer or move a judge/jury) and the rightful heir to all these are the spouse and children left within the marriage.

Bothered enough that I do not have a definite stand, I tried discussing it with my friends. See, it's easy to feel that giving equal percentage to children other than your own is a betrayal of you and your own kids, if you're the wife. I believe that your wealth is part of the commitment you bring/surrender into a marriage and it should stay there. It would also be natural and logical for me to look out for the interests and advantage of my young.

Then again, if i'm the mistress or the illegitimate child, i'd also feel bad that illegitimate kids, thru no fault of theirs, would be shortchanged so, just because of the nature/circumstances of their birth. Whatever happened to playing FAIR?

But seeing as I am not an illegitimate child and hope to be a wife and mother, I can already imagine the pain i'd feel if i'd have to watch my kids share their inheritance equally with some other woman's kids. (not that i probably haven't left my husband already..). I also wonder if men would still be as gracious to illegitimate children if it's the woman who had kids previous or outside of the marriage and luckily enough was a career woman who was able to horde her own money and properties.

Not that it will affect the law, but having given the matter much thought, I do propose the following:

I think this is the best formula for not unduly grieving the 1) women who set you free to get married to someone else and raised your kid/s alone, 2) wife/spouse who committed to growing old with you, and 3) the kids you sired within the marriage who bear your name and should enjoy a lot of things from you because it's their RIGHT.

I also feel that this should discourage people to have extra-marital affairs (I may need to talk about women mostly, those young, impressionable ones who cannot let go of your mature, gentle, established, financially-stable, sexually-practiced husband...) and to have kids with someone not married to them (worse, someone who's married to someone else). I'm sorry but I also feel that such women should be punished by giving birth to kids who cannot share the extent of what he's entitled from a parent because of his parents' HURTFUL, SELFISH CHOICES.

Remember that a cousin is living with us who has 4 other siblings, all of them the 2nd family of her father? I know that it's already hard being in their place... but being right is doing right, and i'd really like for our society to give the right people what's due them... and in this case, respect and first priority for the FIRST FAMILY.That's why we have laws. That's why marriage is the greatest legal transaction one will be making in his lifetime.

And yes, sometimes, respect has to be translated into material things. Because it's not so much the worth of what one is getting, but the principle as to how and why he's getting it.

8:35 AM Monday, August 02, 2004


The last year of High School found me in a group of 4 girls. Nariz was always the happy, oblivious one who never dated anyone from school... and who had this history of possession when we were in 1st year... so nobody really bothered with her except us. She's closest to Jaymie, this Arabian-beauty who was conservative, gentle, very lady-like, very prim... Then there's my bestfriend Lota, also a crush-ng-bayan with her luscious beauty and childlike charm. And then there's me, a pimply girl struggling with her temper (to which Lota found the best defense... she'd keep quiet when am throwing a tantrum but reprimand me in letters which humbles me enough to apologize and thank her for her patience).

Yes, I was easily the smartest and the most empowered. But imagine having to walk the halls with two beauties (actually Nariz was also pretty, only Lota and Jaymie were both white-complexioned so they stereotypically get more votes) in high school. Imagine having boys sending them love letters and flowers all the time. Imagine having your bestfriend tell you about being insecure of Jaymie, who commanded attention like girls do in commercials... really cute boys would do more than a double-take for her, everywhere... and hating the fact that boys would only notice her after finding out that Jaymie is aloof (worse, imagine guys you're interested in only giving you the time of day because they feel that they're not good enough for Jaymie). And me, I was always just left dumbfounded... how do i react to the competition when firstly, they're my friends, and secondly, I was already aware of what beauty I do and do not possess?

Am sure there were moments of insecurity on my part too. Then again, being aware early on that I wasn't genetically-gifted that way and not really keen on the idea of having guys attracted to me because of my looks, I was never really bothered by this aspect.

Fast forward to 8 years and beyond from high school. I heard Nariz is already married. Jaymie has jumped from one relationship to another between just two guys, both of which only kept being unfaithful to her. I'm not sure how she is now. Lota has just last night gone berserk at learning that I actually hope to get married someday... having played mistress (using the term loosely) for a while to different married men and also having declared that the worse karma for her would be to get married herself. Lota has also dated and slept with the greatest crush of my life, which has made me feel wistful at most. He was, after all, one of her admirers in 2nd year, even before I met him in 3rd year. And it just saddens me to know that the boy I was crazy for grew up to be a man I cannot really deem respectable... gaining so much weight, dropping from one university to another, drinking his nights away, and being too rough a sex partner. Worse, my bestfriend has been avoiding him for months, seemingly scared, because he wants to impregnate her.

And me, I was riding a jeepney for home last Thursday when I realized that the man in front of me who is secretly checking me out is Carlswell, one of Lota's former crushes. Since I was sick and wearing my uniform, I was in no mood to even smile at him, not that we were really ever introduced. But I know he knew who Lota was, and of course wondered if he recognized me as someone he used to go to high school with. And so we spent the ride home surreptitiously glancing at each other. I even saw him really stare after me after i've gotten off the jeep.

So, I texted Lota about the weird encounter with her former crush. And she replies with this:
"Si Carlswell? How can i forget him, he used to reply to my notes pala kasi he thought I was Jaymie!"