6:07 PM Sunday, August 31, 2003

Had my first ever Tarot Card reading done last night. It felt good to have beliefs about myself confirmed... and affirmed. I wasn't told anything really new or surprising (and the man who read my cards was the one actually suprised, knowing me a little the way he does).

It also felt sad... to have certain suspicions shaped in words you have been seeking for the longest time.

And anytime soon in the coming days, I know, i'd be crying for the innocence I seem to have completely lost.

And on a more personal note... it grieves me a little more to realize yet again, how greatly I am capable of loving still... but no longer being capable of keeping faith.

Hope will always be there. But faith... it no longer is. The total lack of romantic illusions and the generally very realistic view of how men are, of how they will treat women and what things they can do in the name of and inspite of love... consumes me right now...

Faith can only exist in NOT KNOWING. That's my tragic flaw, I know, and therefore, there are some things I can no longer be... and can no longer give...

A friend was texting me about another friend, how he's worried that our other friends are being too hard on this girl... how our friends didn't help in any damage control... but are now ganging up on this girl to make her feel how disappointed they were with her...

And this concern coming from a man who has often made me feel before that I don't have his respect. This acceptance and lack of judgement coming from the same man who seldom accorded me the same.

I guess it's true then... how harder we are with loved ones...

And how kinder we are with strangers.

3:22 PM Thursday, August 28, 2003


can't help but think of myself when i heard this song.


A good thing about LRT's separating women from the men... when I board the train around 7 pm on the days I meet friends at Mega Mall... instead of sweat and body odor... i smell all kinds of lotion, perfume, cologne, powder and shampoo.

What can I say, girls smell nice.


Rapture and Rupture .... difference lies at the 2nd letter... and the first one involving gentleness... the latter, violence...

8:40 AM Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Was talking with friends over coffee last Sunday... realized that I never had anyone have anything delivered to me...

Also realized that once, Alvin sent two dozen white roses to the house... for my Mom's birthday.

I will always thank the Heavens for such thoughtfulness... and for having known someone as sweet as Alvin was...

(I am not implying that nobody else in my life was sweet and gallant and thoughtful after that... it's just a great memory)


Already bought wine for my birthday... friends are teasing me that it's still over a month away... still, am anxious and excited and down because of it...

Still haven't finalized plans about buying the digicam. Tsk, tsk, tsk... bad...


My nephew is making me all kinds of happy.

9:11 AM Thursday, August 21, 2003

I have often been teased about kissing with my eyes open... by the person i'm kissing, of course. I dunno, I just happen to like watching a man's expression... and that turns me on more...

Anyway, having been dared to play with a beer bottle last Tues night... I realized that I close my eyes more when I'm giving a man some oral loving... and that I'd often start out by just really gently stroking his schlong... and then, i'd start with just licking it's body... esply it's tip... and proceed from there...

It's a ritual I adhere to religiously... as if I cannot put anything in my mouth that I haven't teased and played with my lips and tongue... first..

4:53 PM Monday, August 18, 2003

baby turn around,
and let me see that sexy body go
bump bump bump (yeah)
that is all i want to see,
baby show me (come on)
baby turn around,
and let me see that sexy body go (yeah)
bump bump bump
the way you throwin that thing at me (uh yeah)
i can take it

Last Saturday, I thought I was a goner na... streets were flooded and I was silently saying goodbye to a night of fun when the heavens decided to cooperate...

And dance I did...

And I sincerely got the fix that i wanted... and so now, am feeling all bubbly and happy and satisfied...


Wore the top which you tie around your neck... and good thing that, even tho I went without a brassiere, and danced like there's no tomorrow... everything held well and there was no indecent exposure I should live with for the rest of my life that happened... lolz..

It was kinda hard tho... my nipples refuse to back down.. I'd sometimes have to stop dancing because the friction with the top causes ticklish sensations around that area... and I can't help but feel all kinds of self-conscious... I mean, if only anybody took the time to look, they'd see how my nipples are literally protruding from the folds of my top...



Sunday... went to Lipa and visited my babies... Kyle (3 1/2 years old), Sofia (2 years old), Bryant (1 1/2 years old), Karylle (10 months) and Exekiel (2 months)...

Imagine the commotion... Imagine the chaos... Imagine the tenderness each one cannot help but elicit from all of us... and the frustration too...

Talked with my cousins' wives... about raising kids, about raising husbands, about raising in laws... and tho i'm still not a mother and a married woman myself... I could relate to them... I could complain to and with them.. I could sympathize and empathize with their tears, with their triumphs...

Ahhh... women... and families...

3:10 PM Saturday, August 16, 2003

As I was praying I wouldn't slip from the puddles and puddles of water, and that I wouldn't get sick from the really heavy rains, I took refuge at Gamol since I had no hope of reaching Congo Grille with the heavy downpour going on around me.

And then, I saw HIM.

The guy I was in love and waiting for... for two years. The one I decided to say goodbye to, last January. The one I officially lost, even as a friend, last March methinks.

I don't think he saw me. He's pretty blind even with his glasses on. I couldn't help it, I texted him about taking care. And either he's changed numbers or deleted me from his phonebook, the reply I got was... Who's this?

And far be it from me to contemplate yet again on what I lost and found in him... last night, I couldn't help myself from wondering... who's taking care of him...

And no, it's not because he's f*cking up his life... and no, he's not incapable naman... but I really loved him once and I know he has to have someone take care of him, worry for him, mother him...


Started shaking all over yesterday, a close, close girl friend of mine called asking me to not judge her... and needing to tell her story. Why the shakes? Uhm, surely the revelation that your friend has dragged herself deeper and deeper in an abusive relationship isn't good news. And I couldn't cry for her anymore eventhough she gets beaten up by her drug-dependent brother... and emotionally abused by a boyfriend who has also started hurting her in 'small' and physical ways.

I just kept telling myself... no, am not happy that the women I looked up to before are the ones who have failed in their relationships and have ceased to be the empowered females who loved life and knew how to live it.

And my friend wasn't crying for help... even when she called me and ranted about the boyfriend who's been degrading her and disrespecting everything that she can be...

She was just crying.

And I love that friend of mine. And it hurts me that there is nothing we can do but wait... and trust life...

And so, not only am I praying for her family worries to stop, and for her to realize there is no love in her relationship with this man... I'm also praying that whoever it is God meant for her can wait... and will wait...

Pareho kami ni VERA


Your heart is broken. You were in love and somehow
or someway, it became lost to you and you have
never fully recovered. You yearn for someones
gentle kiss but know not where to find it and
are afraid of being hurt again. Have faith
little lost one, if you let it, love will
flourish for you again.

What is Your Hearts True Desire?
brought to you by Quizilla


Forgiveness, like apologies, is truly a friendship preserver.

1:37 PM Monday, August 11, 2003


why did you have to call and remind me all over again how much you've betrayed my trust... and how undeserving you were of my faith?


Why hope to lie to me again?

5:22 PM Friday, August 08, 2003

No... hindi ako iiyak... hindi ako nasasaktan... wala akong kailangang marinig sa kanya...


This Kiss by Faith Hill

I don't want another heartbreak
I don't need another turn to cry

I don't want to learn the hard way
Baby Hello , oh no, goodbye
But you got me like a rocket
Shooting straight across the sky...
It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this --
It's centrifugal motion
It's pertpetual bliss .
It's that pivotal moment
It's ahhh Impossible
This Kiss , This Kiss (Unstoppable )
This Kiss , This Kiss
Cinderella said to Snow White
How does love get so off course ?
All I wanted was a white knight
With a good heart , soft touch , fast horse .
Ride me off into the sunset
Baby , I'm forever yours
It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this --
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss .
It's that pivotal moment
It's ahhh Unthinkable
This Kiss , This Kiss (Unsinkable )
This Kiss This Kiss
You can kiss me in the moonlight
On the rooftop under the sky
You can kiss me with the windows open
While the rain comes pouring inside
Kiss me in sweet slow motion
Let's let every thing slide
You got me floating , You got me flying
It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this --
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss .
It's that pivotal moment
It's ahhh Subliminal
This Kiss , This Kiss (It's Criminal )
This Kiss , This Kiss

This has been a fave song from my DOF days pa... never really had the presence of mind to dedicate it to someone in the course of my tumultuous love life since then....

I wonder if I have made it hard for those who supposedly love me.. and those I love... all my siginificant others... to tell me the truth... especially ones that may hurt me...


is it true... that I do not command respect... and therefore, has no right and do not deserve... to be told the truth... ?

Friday - 8th of August - Today's Topic:

Are you satisfied on how your life is going now? Contented on how things are taking its place? Are the objectives set being accomplished as planned? Or you just simply don't have a plan and just live by the day?

I am happy with my life. Sure, I have a lot of things I can complain about, like handling a job I wasn't trained for, and wanting to work again as a counselor, or not yet in a relationship and grooming a partner for a lifetime of togetherness, or my friends I want to cry to are all busy with their own lives.

Still, I am happy with my life. There are down times (like, the past few days) but even during such sad, trying times, I get to realize over and over again who loves me. And that is a blessing.

Content? I like to believe there seldom is contentment in life... but i've had moments wherein I couldn't ask for more.

Am I where I intended to be at this certain time of my life? In a way, yes. I'm still not a single parent. I still haven't gotten beaten up or sexually abused by a man. I still haven't killed anybody. I still have a family I belong to. I have a job that pays well. I have avenues wherein I meet interesting people. My body is still lustfully ok. I still have not had any operation. Neither have I been committed in a hospital for emotional/psychological breakdown. I still haven't done anything that is really, really embarrassing and humiliating... or anything I will not be able to ever tell my future kids.

However, I don't really have any major plans right now. Getting married and building a family life before age 30 is something I have to compromise, I think, since there were some things I didn't do before that I have to do first... that is, rid myself of emotional baggage.

I live from day to day.... keeping my top priorities always in check... and looking forward to certain celebrations wherein I can express my love for loved ones.

Other than that, am always looking for the next time i'd get to dance. Or eat white chocolate.


That was my reply at www.mygimmick.com (see TALKBALK thread)

Felt like I should include it here.


Even friends who love you, will and can... lie to you...


Slept for some 9 hours... and dreamt of 3 main things....

1) Being with my ex who was wooing me to get back together with him.

2) Chatting with Dimitr3 from MTC

3) Being naked with another woman... and said woman seducing me... and all I can think of while with her was... "My legs aren't that big naman pala" since the woman and I was of the same build.

8:49 AM Thursday, August 07, 2003


have no idea

how much you hurt me.

8:00 PM Monday, August 04, 2003

Had a massage here in the office.... finally, after a weekend of feeling dead.. I felt alive again, with my sarong cradled in my arms to cover my breasts... lying or sitting there... with hands wooing the uptight muscles of my back and legs...

Ahhh.... reprieve....


Half-asleep... was startled awake with the thought, "Who the heck is teasing my p_s_y?!"

And fortunately and unfortunately, it was just the masseusse :)

it's sad...

to have your memory so betrayed

so cheapened

so easily set aside, and thrown away

The weird thing about tonight and this weekend.... I have been real sad.... and dejected... and insecure...

And capping it all off with a fight with my Mom... the only thing I wanna do right now is... err... uhm... M.....


Have I utterly destroyed the essential lovable and love-worthy me? Have I really made my life a mess... that I do not amount to anything at all anymore... and will not be deserving of any man... and of the dream to while away my future days raising a family... ?

3:37 PM Sunday, August 03, 2003

Does anyone here remember those dolls that came out during the late 1980's... infant-size with a pacifier in their mouths... you take away the pacifier and the doll would give off this very real-baby-like crying sound?

Anyway... my sister had one from babyhood... and we've been able to preserve it. And at age 17... she still plays with it. One time... when we found her baptism clothes, she had both clothes and doll washed... and propped them up in my Mom's bedroom (where she sleeps)... much to the chagrin of the household...

It was real creepy talaga...

And now she's sitting in front of the TV, watching the UAAP games, with that darned doll cradled in her arms as if it was a real infant.

And come Monday again... my cousin who is taking up nursing... will be borrowing the doll and using it for lab practice. (the doll is kept in a locker the rest of the week)

Then come Friday again.. my sister will be sleeping with the doll again....

And again, is it just me or isn't something weird in my home???


A guy tells you he's willing to give up everything for you, because he loves you. And you look at him and considering what a nice man you know he is, you make room in yourself to believe what he's saying.

And then, he kisses another girl in front of you.

And even if you're not holding him to his declaration of love... you cannot help but be more cynical about it.

And then later on, he insists on bringing you home... and because he could feel waves and waves of displeasure emanating from you... he apologizes for insisting to accompany you home...

And you get more insulted that... well... he didn't find anything out of whack with embracing some other woman.

He even tells you that woman knows how much he loves you. And again, giving him the benefit of the doubt that their lips aren't actually locking when their heads are tilted a certain angle.... there is still the fact that you don't talk to 'buddies' that way.

And you, in all your weird kind of kindness.... even ask yourself if you'd been malicious... if actually, them hugging together that way was just an ordinary thing to do.

But then again, you're reminded of the fact that though you sometimes lean your head on your labskis' shoulders/chest, you don't actually talk to them with your face so close in front of their faces... and you don't lean too much towards them... and more than that, you don't do that in front of any other guy who you know has feelings for you, regardless of whether you return those feelings or not...

Isn't it just basic etiquette after all to not cause pain as much as you can?

And so, you're offended. You're insulted. And you lose some more faith in men.

11:12 AM Friday, August 01, 2003

I have been neglecting my blog, I Know... then again, am still depressed with my old template not being replaced, still too stubborn to learn how to change it, still lacking friends who'd offer to do it for me...


btw... am not really a duncan shiek fan... but i liked his HALF-LIFE song... when i heard it last night...

And i don't wanna be living my life just half-fully